


White lies

by CabiriaMinerva



Series: Made of stone [2]
Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Insecurity, Lizzington - Freeform, Misunderstandings, Pregnancy, What-If, at least I hope so..
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-05-31 21:07:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6487384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CabiriaMinerva/pseuds/CabiriaMinerva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Red and Lizzy haven't talked about their intimate night. And, being on the run, it's probably understandable. But when Lizzy discovers she is pregnant, misunderstandings and insecurities only complicate things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lizzy I

**Lizzy I**

 

They hadn’t talked about it, afterwards. They both had surely thought about it, even fantasized about it, but the events had simply crushed them, dragging them around. And they just hadn’t talked about it. And _it_ had never happened again.

Which was somehow… disappointing. Elizabeth was perfectly conscious that it had been a spontaneous thing, not planned, not expected… but when it had happened… oh god, she’d wanted more. Sometimes, in her bed, she still recalled the sensations of his mouth kissing her skin, of him inside of her, at first hard and giving, then soft, when she had asked for some more seconds of bliss, some more instants of intimacy.

And he… she didn’t really understand. He’d liked it, he’d wanted it just as she had – had even joked about ending their future quarrels like that. But the next day he hadn’t tried to kiss her, hadn’t touched her. Hadn’t even hinted of what had happened. And she hadn’t dared bringing it up, all of her boldness worn out the night before.

What if he was _regretting_ it? To be fair, he had resisted, at first. So, maybe… maybe he hadn’t wanted her at all and had just acted out of tiredness, of basic human reactions, of a momentary want…

Elizabeth felt stupid. And wounded. She had been so stupid, so… Gosh, she hated the feelings of rejection and insecurity that had haunted her for weeks after that night. Even when they were running from the FBI, even when she listened to Red explaining the next steps, even when they chatted – chatted! As if nothing had ever happened!

She’d never really been an insecure person, yet now she was. _He made her be_ . For the same moment she’d realized her feelings towards him – _feelings. Towards Raymond Reddington._ – had probably meant nothing to him. No matter how deeply he cared for her safety – this, at least, was still a certainty – she’d only been another notch in his belt.

And then their escape had ended. Her name had been cleared, she’d lost her badge but had become an _asset_ , as they called it. She had even managed to get a new flat. And she was somehow surviving the gazes and even enraged strangers beating her up.

_That_ she could manage, at least.

What she _couldn’t_ manage, was the knowledge of… she touched her still flat belly. It hadn’t entirely been a surprise – she had noticed the missing periods and some nauseous feeling, but had discarded it as symptoms of the stress caused by being a fugitive – but still...

Cells were multiplying, even now, creating a new life, a child… She remembered the ultrasound of the child she’d lost – Tom’s child. At this point, the embryo had already become a foetus, his features defining by the minute. And she… well, she was sitting on the floor, eyes red and still filled up with tears.

How could she tell him? What… what was she going to do with _it_? The fear of having a child in her situation – an outcast, alone, always under some sort of threats… – was sprinkled by something that looked like excitement, which was constantly put down by the thought of telling him.

_This_ she really had trouble managing.

She thought about the last few months, about all that she had gone through. All that _they_ had gone through. God, how much she hated herself right now. And him. She must have messed up something with the pill, she'd allowed _this_ to happen because she hadn't been careful enough. And he... he didn't even cared. Not in _that_ way. But she did. And she hated herself because, caring as she was, she couldn't even fathom the thought of what she could do to get rid of the child she was bearing.

She had to tell him, and then think about solutions.

«Get it together, Keen...» she muttered to herself, seconds before her phone buzzed in her pocket.

_Nick’s pizza._

For god’s sake, was he still monitoring her? She looked around, frowning her eyebrows. Then she picked up.

«Yes?» Elizabeth thanked her voice for being steady enough. She listened, quietly. «Ok.» Other words, and she chewed her lips. «No, I’m good. Just a bit tired.» A sad smile. «Yes, ok.» She hung up. Well, for now it seemed the problem had been postponed: Red had only called to let her know that, while the Blacklist was still long, they’d have to wait for the next name because he was to attend some _business_ of his.

 

* * *

 

Red had been away more than expected, and he hadn’t called her. Not even to tell her he was coming back. He was probably thinking she was safe enough, now, she’d bitterly said to herself. So when she arrived at the Post Office and saw him talking with Cooper, she was startled. And agitated. She knew it would soon be difficult to cover up her pregnancy, and had concluded that she simply had to tell him. Out of honesty, at least. He’d probably offer to take care of it, once it was born – she knew him too well to doubt that.

Walking towards him, she found it difficult not to torture her hands, but she somehow managed to put on a quiet smile.

«Oh, hallo Lizzy. We were just waiting for you. I have another name that must urgently be taken care of.» She listened as he talked about some guy named Rolf Alexander, a German hitman specialised in killing whole families at once, erasing entire genealogical trees. They then discussed at length about the next step and instructed agents Ressler and Navabi, Cooper apologetically reminding her that she was no longer an agent. When things were set on motion, Cooper walked back to his office and told her to go home, promising he’d call her as soon as he had news.

She and Red entered the lift, in silence. That was it, that was the moment… This had to be the moment, because otherwise he’d leave again and who knew when they’d be alone again.

«I need to talk to you.» Directness seemed the best option.

«Mmmh?» Red cocked his head and looked at her.

«I…» _Breathe._ «I am pregnant.»

Elizabeth observed his pupils dilating for the shock then a shadow of something… her heart skipped a bit – could it be hope, what she’d seen? _Please, please, please, let it be hope_. Or excitement. Excitement could do as well.

«It is Tom’s, I suppose.»

_What?_

She gave him a blank stare, registering his question.

«I take that as a yes.» There was something, in his voice… Disappointment? Anger, maybe? She was so upset, right now, that she couldn’t figure it out.

Tom’s? Why would he think that… Oh, right… She _had_ slept with Tom, only a week before that night in the safe house. But how did he know that?

«I…»

«A pregnancy, right now… A child, in the middle of a war with the Cabal is going to complicate things, Lizzy.» He said, down-to-earth. «Not to mention the poor choice of having one with a man such as _him_.» The disgust in the last word was clear.

Elizabeth just stared at him. Not only had he assumed this was Tom’s child, but his tone was one of repulsion at the mere idea. This was not what she had hoped for. She had come to term that what had happened was a one-time only, but she’d still believed that he would care for _his child_ . A child, she now discovered, he thought of as a _burden_ , _a complication_.

«It’s none of your business whom I sleep with.» she snapped, ignoring the lump in her throat. «And I don’t need your advices, your pity, or whatever you were trying to give me. I was just informing you.» she lied. «Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go.» The elevator had stopped, and she stepped out as fast as she could.

Red watched her entering her car and disappearing, probably headed to her flat.

 

* * *

 

Elizabeth ignored the umpteenth call from Red. At the end of the day, she hadn’t been of much use during the Alexander’s case, and she’d exploited the situation to avoid him. Afterwards, she had told Cooper that she was not feeling well – probably some kind of flu – and had stayed at home, alone, for almost three weeks. Well, a very strong and long flu. But still, he’d seemed to believe her, and hadn't pushed her to have further contact with Reddington to request other names.

Tom had called her, to see if they could grab a beer, or if he could just stop by… But she refused, telling him the same story she’d told Cooper: «I’m sorry, must be the flu. Yes, I’ll call you when I’m feeling better. Bye.» She hadn’t called him back. Mostly because she knew her pregnancy was starting to show: her belly was slowly growing and soon people would notice it, and she could swear one could know just by looking at her face. Not sure why, but she was sure of it. And she still wasn’t sure about what to tell Tom – he, as well, would jump to Red’s conclusions. Then she’d have to decide what to do – she couldn’t and wouldn’t raise a child with him. Yes, they had had sex, but that was all. How could she ever trust him again?

Red, on the other hand, had tried to contact her. Many times. At one point he’d also sent Baz to check on her. She’d tried her best not to pour her frustration and anger on him, but she’d also asked him to please let her get through her _flu_ in peace.

He did as she asked, and apparently also reported the request to Red, because the phone calls had stopped for almost a week. Just to come back more stubborn than ever.

Then, one gloomy Wednesday afternoon, someone knocked on her door. She looked up, _knowing_ it had to be him.

«Lizzy, open the door. I _know_ you’re in there.» His quiet voice made her shiver. Even with the anger and the frustration and the pain of his involuntary rejection, she had missed him.

«I’m busy… Go away.»

«You are a terrible liar, sweetheart.»

She slowly walked towards the door and opened it. «What do you want?»

«I didn’t mean to upset you.» He looked at her in that way that always made her feel cherished, unique, and she felt something twisting inside of her. It would have been so much better if she only could hate him, especially now that she’d thought of the painful but perfect solution…

«You didn’t upset me.» She bitterly laughed. «I was just sick.» He raised an eyebrow. Ok, maybe he was right and she sucked at lying. To him, at least. «What do you want?» she repeated in a tired tone.

«I have another name.»

_Oh. It was about work._

«Ok, then. Go on.»

 


	2. Lizzy II

**Lizzy II**

 

They had solved the case relatively quickly, then Red had brought another name, and then another. She had told Cooper and the others that she was pregnant – soon the bump would have given her away, in any case – and they all looked both happy and worried: Samar, especially, had gone completely insane, talking about baby showers, gifts, toys, bringing her sweets.

No one really asked who the father was – they probably all assumed it had to be Tom, which was something between offensive and sad. How come no one even thought about the possibility that she could have had sex with someone else? Yes, she had slept with Tom, but they were nothing, and she could well have met some other guy. _How? You were on the run, remember?_

Well, someone did ask something, to be fair. A few weeks after her announcement, Amar had timidly approached her and had asked her if it was all ok. «You have been… off, lately.» He’d explained with a shrug, and she had felt a warm wave of affection. Aram was too sweet for their work. And she _needed_ a friend, someone to confide to. The words, almost whispered, had come out spontaneously. So, she had told him who the father was (although she had left out the part when Red had told her _their child_ would be a burden), and he had looked shocked, but had tried to comfort her in his almost clumsy way. She’d been so relieved, finally sharing her secret. He’d promised not to tell anyone, but had suggested that _maybe Mr. Reddington should know?_ She had smiled.

And while her belly kept growing, names were struck off the blacklist, and Samar kept planning what seemed to be a magnificent baby shower, she had silently made her decision. On her coffee table there were various brochures of adoption agencies, all displaying photos of happy adoptive parents. She had silently cried while reading them the first time. But she had made up her mind: she had to give her child the best of lives, and that was blatantly only possible by letting others raising him. Not an ex fugitive with a tendency to find herself in the middle of the storm who managed to get pregnant by number four on the FBI _Most Wanted_ list. Normal, boring people in the suburb.

One day, after the adoption agency had assured her that they’d have done whatever was possible to find an open adoption for her child, she had quietly asked Samar to stop planning the baby shower. The news spread quickly. Ressler apologized for some unfortunate comments he’d made about adoption being a despicable act, Cooper had muttered that she obviously had their support, no matter what she decided to do. Amar had brought her cupcakes.

So now she was in her living room, the file of a couple that was interested in adopting her baby in her hands. They seemed very nice people: she was the art director of a small museum in Kensington, he was a nurse. They had a nice house, a dog. She nodded when she read interesting information – he was a swimming teacher, she had many brothers, nephews and nieces.

A soft knock startled her. She gave a quick look at the clock. 8 pm. She frowned, but abandoned the sofa and opened the door.

«Good evening.» Red. She hadn’t seen him in five days, and to be honest, it had been at least two months since they’d seen each other for something that was not case-related. «I hope I’m not disturbing you, Lizzy. May I come in?» He was polite as always, but the way he was working his mouth told her that he was brooding about something. And she was so tired – being hormonal was a gigantic shit, no matter the fairy tales about the beauty and magic of the pregnancy – that she didn’t even bothered to protest when he simply entered her flat, without waiting for her answer.

«If it’s another name, couldn’t it wait until tomorrow?»

«I’m not here about the list.» He sat on the very same sofa he’d bought her. «I’ve heard something, Lizzy, that I wish you to explain to me.»

«As long as it’s not maths...» she tried to joke.

«Is it true?»

«What? That I don’t remember my maths? Well, it’s been some time…» she replied, confused.

«I am talking about the child.»

Her eyes opened wide in terror. How did he…?

«Are you giving it away?»

_Oh, that._ Incredible as it could sound, she was almost relieved. That was easier to explain. Much, much easier.

«Yes, I am.» She crossed her arms on her chest, almost defying him to scold her. As if he, of all people, had any right to do so.

«Why?» He frowned, and his voice sounded worried, if not even saddened. «Is it because of what I said?»

«What, are you talking about the time when you told me how my child would only be a burden?» Ok, maybe she sounded more bitter than she’d intended to. But, as far as she was concerned, he had it coming.

«A burden?» He gave her a confused look. «I never… you misunderstood me, Lizzy. Is this the reason why you’ve been so distant, in these months?» He looked pained. «I didn’t mean to say that. I was only making sure you weren’t delusional about bringing a child to this world.» Red leaned over, tenderly resting his hand on Elizabeth’s. She looked at it, trying to remember when was the last time he’d been so affectionate – had someone told her that, one day, she would miss his constant presence and affection… she’d have laughed. A lot.

«I might have been… slightly embittered, because of…» His lips twitched, the sentence left in mid-air.

_Because of… Tom?_ , a part of her mind realized.

«But still, I apologize if you thought I was somehow suggesting that your child would be a burden.» Red shifted, as if he was suddenly feeling uncomfortable, and his hand went back to his lap. «It wasn’t at all what I was trying to suggest. I…» he worked his mouth, looking for words. «I am convinced that it is a difficult task, that of bringing a child into this corrupted, dark world. Suddenly, you find yourself constantly worrying, especially when you _know_ what lies in the shadows. But a child… oh, it also brings such a light into this life, reminding you the good things you had forgotten even existed. Watching the world through a child’s eyes… it’s a continuous discovery.» His smile was warm, and that somehow made the lump that was growing in her throat heavier.

«Still, it’s better this way.» she managed to say, voice trembling. She had spent weeks, months even, convincing herself that the adoption was the right thing to do. He had no rights, coming here and trying to convince her otherwise.

«If it’s Tom… or raising this child on your own…» Well, she was hormonal and emotional, but she could tell that he was testing the waters, hoping she’d admit to the second option. «… that you’re worried about…»

«It’s just....» Damn lump. Damn Red. She could feel the rage mixing with the frustration and the sadness that had built inside her for months. She couldn’t do this. «Please, go away.» She covered her eyes with one hand, feeling the tears trying to escape them.

«Lizzy…» he leaned over again, stroking her knee with his thumb. «I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel this way.» His voice was full of a fierce urgency to comfort her. «I imagine I could somehow comprehend how you’re _bearing_ the idea of giving up your child for adoption… But one must be blind not to see how painful it is, for you, to carry it out. And I am truly sorry if my inappropriate comment has pushed you towards it. You…» he took her chin between his fingers, forcing her to look at him. «… _don’t have to do it._ I am sure you will be a wonderful mother. And you don’t have to be alone: I’ll always be there for you and your child.»

Elizabeth was now openly crying, the tears streaming down her cheeks. She had been able to convince herself that finding an adoptive family was the best of solutions, and now there he was, telling her how happy she’d be with her child. Without even knowing…

«It’s not…» The words slipped through her lips, pushed by the guilt due to her lie. And she just couldn’t stop them, tired as she was – of lying, of trying to do what she thought was the best thing for everyone. And also tired of months of working so hard at the blacklist while her belly and her preoccupations took most of her energies. «It’s not Tom’s…» It was almost a whisper, but it somehow managed to reach Red, because she saw him start a bit and frown.

«I beg your pardon?» He stiffened.

«It’s not Tom’s.» she repeated, this time with a steadier voice. Well, it was out and it’d have been stupid to pretend otherwise.

«I am not sure I’m understanding what’s going on, here…» His voice what trembling with what she imagined was incredulity – and probably some rage as well, since he let go of her chin.

Elizabeth quietly stared at him, without saying a word. Red was a clever man, she didn’t need to state the obvious. And she was still somehow afraid to do it, to say the words… _it’s yours, Red. Yours. Mine. Ours._ Afraid that he’d reject them – not practically, maybe, as she knew he’d be there to protect them and would insist on financially contributing, but on a sentimental level. After all, he had technically rejected _her_ when he had pretended that nothing had ever happened.

«You can’t be serious.» Yes, definitely rage. «It’s…» His eyes went to her bump and his fingers twitched, as if resisting the urge to touch it and make sure it was real. He clamped his lips tightly together, opened them and clamped them again, then he took a few deep, slow breaths. That alarmed Elizabeth, because if even the man who could walk through a mined camp had to _calm down_ … She prepared to tackle the storm that was coming.

«How could you _not tell me_?» Elizabeth’s mouth fell slightly open. He was… pained. More than she thought he’d be.

_He’s always telling you how much he cares… is it really a surprise that_ this _hurts him?_

«You assumed it was Tom’s, and I thought it’d be _easier_ if everyone else assumed it as well.»

« _Lies._ » He could tell she was lying every single time, but he hadn’t been able to tell she hadn’t been honest when she hadn’t discouraged his assumptions. Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

«For fuck’s sake, Red, what did you expect me to do?»

The man frowned. «Telling the truth, for instance, would have been an appropriate alternative.»

«You had rejected me.» she spat. In that moment, she only wanted him to go away, take a bowl full of ice cream to bed, and pretend her life was a normal one, without drama and criminals and messed up situations.

«I… what?» His eyes opened wide.


	3. Red I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you all for the comments - I'm really glad to know you're enjoying this story (even with all that angst.. I tend to do that.. sorry)!

**Red I**

  
  


The next morning, Red had crawled out of bed just in time to watch the sun rise while making coffee. He had felt… overwhelmed by the events of the night before. She was so soft, and warm, and her moans… God, at the mere thought he’d felt hard again. They had slept together, entangled, her naked body against his. Well, she had slept. He’d been awake most of the night, memorizing the image that was lying before him: Elizabeth, _Lizzy_ , with hair sprawled on _his_ sheets, curled against him, a hand on his chest and her breathing so slow and serene.

He could still smell her on his skin.

When his thoughts had crept back into the usual darkness he had felt the need to distance himself from what had been the catalyst of his wishes and want for a very long time. Not that he was a pessimistic man – on the contrary – but he was pragmatic. A life like his would have been very short hadn’t he been thoroughly down to earth.

Red knew that being on the run had put an even greater burden on Elizabeth’s shoulder – as if all the discoveries of the last months hadn’t been weighing enough on her already.

He had sipped his coffee, hoping its bitterness would help him clear his mind and pushing his _feelings_ where they wouldn’t interfere with rationality. Because only god knew how hard it was, trying not to let his own wishes cloud his judgement.

Hadn’t he been the man he was, he’d have liked to simply enjoy the moment until it lasted, taking everything she was willing to give him. He’d have fucked her senselessly, biting and marking her, and then he’d have made love to her whispering sweet words, caressing every inch of her body. He’d have lost himself in her. Utterly, gladly lost himself. Hell, he would have given up the work of twenty-five years, literally a criminal kingdom of which he was the king, just to please her. He day-dreamt for a few seconds about kidnapping her from the grey, sad world she lived in and retiring on a Caribbean island.

But, as evil the world thought he was (and she… because _he knew_ she would always see the criminal before the man – and how could he blame her, when he had made sure she could always glimpse the shadow of the heinous acts he’d done and still did?), he was true to his own moral code. And he couldn’t… he couldn’t taint her. Because… yes, no matter what, he still thought of her as a good, pure creature. She had made mistakes, but none of those mistakes had washed off her innocence – Elizabeth would see that one day, too. Whereas he… well, he could probably write a book or two about his own wickedness. Someone probably already had.

And as tantalizing as the idea of having her in all possible ways was… he couldn’t do that. Not to her.

He could already feel the guilt for the previous night crawling up his guts, threatening to suffocate him… And the fear of what her first morning thoughts would be… Surely, she was going to regret it. She must have acted out of tiredness, of confusion, of… the hell only knew the variety of emotions that were battling inside of Elizabeth. Had she been in her right mind, she’d never have…

Red clenched his fingers around the cup. He hated himself. He should have… known better, kept a safe distance… instead, he’d surrendered to her touch, like a thirsty man tasting a few drops of water… and she would regret it. _And he hated himself for that._

He deeply, slowly inhaled. He had to calm down, to clear his mind, to focus on what was important now – keeping Elizabeth safe. ( _The way she smiled while scolding him for something he’d said…_ ) Clearing her name. ( _Her skin so soft…_ ) Decoding the Fulcrum. ( _And the way she’d moaned into his mouth…_ )

«Hi.»

He startled, spilling some of the remaining coffee. Then, he slowly turned around, a quiet smile resting on his face. If there was something he’d mastered in all his criminal career, it was how to shield himself. «Oh, you’re awake.» She was wearing some clean jeans and a blue shirt and she had showered. He swallowed.

«Mhmh…» She bit her bottom lips, blatantly uncomfortable.

«Did you sleep well?» _Yes, I’m absolutely keeping it casual… Good job_ , he thought sarcastically.

She nodded.

Then, he noticed that her gaze was running everywhere… the kitchen counter, the coffee maker, the window… everywhere _but on him_. Something inside twisted and hurt. He could manage a whole range of other people’s emotional response, but to see her avoiding his eyes, probably trying to forget what had happened the night before… His lips twitched. He swallowed once again. Of course he had been right and she was embarrassed and regretful, probably trying to pretend the night before had never happened. Well, if that was what she needed, he would comply. Anything, but her gaze avoiding him like that… A warm smile. «Coffee?»

  
  


* * *

  
  


It had been easy, then, to pretend nothing had ever happened. Even if Red had wondered so many times what would have happened, if only he’d tried to bring up the topic, the events had crushed them, dragging them around. They had been so utterly absorbed by their mission – to clean her name, to take her life back – that days and weeks had passed almost too quickly, and he had soon found himself alone in another luxurious hotel room, wondering what she was thinking about while unpacking boxes in her new apartment.

Yes, she had lost her badge, and he was sure readjusting to her life would take time – her face had been all over the news for months, and that was not something people would forget in just a few hours. But the way she had smiled, tears streaming down her tired face, when it had finally ended… No more running from the FBI, no more sleeping in well-furnished containers. No more trying not to stare at her collarbones when she wasn’t paying attention, no more guilty glimpses towards her body wrapped in a towel…

The scotch rippled as Red slowly rotated the half-empty glass, trying to ignore the way his body reacted at the mere thought of the drops of water on her skin, sliding along her legs… her curves all but emphasized by the towel…

He shifted, uncomfortably. The fabric giving his penis a friction that _he really didn’t needed to make things worse right now_. «Fuck…» He’d never been too prone to drugs – he liked to maintain a clear mind and quick reflexes. Most of the time… – but some part of his mind kept telling him that withdrawal looked quite similar to how he was feeling right now.

_How she welcomed the first coffee of the day…_

But his mind was wrong. Drug addicts were erratic, frantic…

_The light in her eyes when she was recalling something tender, sometimes funny, of her past…_

Whereas _he_ was not. He was composed, calm. He was just… missing her, that was all.

_And oh, how proud she looked when she outsmarted presumptuous people._

A lot. He missed her a lot. He missed her smile, the way her lips curled when she was upset, the taste of her in his mouth…

Red sighed and tried to focused on something else until the lump in his pants ceased being so noticeable. Then moved to the adjacent room, where Dembe was watching the news.

«I need you to make the usual arrangements.» His lips slightly twitched. «I’m leaving tomorrow to… take care of something.»

Dembe nodded, but he could see the shadow of surprise on his face and felt compelled to offer some kind of an explanation. «I need to… clear my mind.»

They shared a knowingly look, then the other man stood up and moved towards the door. Passing by Red, Dembe extended one of the phones. «In case you need to… communicate your absence to… _the FBI…_ while I’m arranging it.»

Red took the phone. «Thank you.» He watched him leave the room, waiting a few more seconds before dialling a number.

He almost sighed at the sound of her voice. «Lizzy…» He absent-mindlessly moistened his lips. «I apologize for bothering you at this late hour, but... well, I’ll be out of town for a few days, a week at most, due to some pressing matters.» Her monosyllabic answer felt a bit strange and he felt a sting of worry. «Are you ok? Has something happened?» He frowned. «Ah yes, tiredness is more than understandable. And fortunately it is something that could be easily cured. I’ll let you sleep, then. Good–» She hung up. «–night.» He looked at the phone, puzzled. Well, knowing she didn’t even care enough to bid him goodbye would surely be helping his little mind-clearing escape.

  
  


* * *

  
  


  
  


«I need to talk to you.»

«Mhmh?» He had been away longer than expected – but, truth be said, he had needed that little escape, thoughts of her haunting him… – and he was so glad to finally see Elizabeth again, to rest his gaze on her, to smell the scent of her favourite shampoo. The thought of her had been driving him crazy, and even with his head clear – well, clearer, at least – the temptation to reach out for her hands was so strong… Yes, time off had been a necessity for his own survival, though in that exact moment he wasn’t sure it had been effective. Some remote part of his mind laughed at him. _Oh, Red, don’t you know a brief break won’t change anything? You love that creature, so either you just run away for good or you go on pretending_ this _isn’t making you miserable._ He softly snorted.

«I… I am pregnant.»

Red could swear he’d felt something crack inside. It took everything he got not to drop the quiet mask he was wearing. He knew she had been seeing Tom when they were on the run, but this… Why? Why him? Tom wasn’t a better man than he was – to be honest, he considered Tom to be even worse than himself – but Elizabeth (Lizzy… his lovely, warm, Lizzy…) only regretted _him_. Tom, she apparently could forgive. Love, even. He wanted to kill him with his own bare hands. It hurt so much…

«It is Tom’s, I suppose.»

She silently looked at him.

«I take that as a yes.» Admittedly, he had cultivated some kind of an empty hope that… Never mind. He had known it had only been a daydream. He was sure she must feel some sort of affection towards him, but that was all he could hope for. And it was for the best. Although he didn’t understand why she had come back to that revolting man…

«I…»

He wasn’t sure he could handle her cheerfulness about the happy reunion and conception. «A pregnancy, right now… A child, in the middle of a war with the Cabal is going to complicate things, Lizzy.» Ok, maybe that had come out slightly harsher than he intended to. But the idea of Tom not only touching her, but also becoming the father of her child, giving her what she had wanted for so long (he could still remember when she had told him about her dream, her wish… to be walking in a park with her husband, holding their child’s hands…) «Not to mention the poor choice of having one with a man such as _him_.»

Elizabeth just stared at him. «It’s none of your business whom I sleep with.» she snapped, and her words were like a slap. Of course, he had no right to intrude. «And I don’t need your advices, your pity, or whatever you were trying to give me. I was just informing you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go.» The elevator had stopped, and she stepped out as fast as she could.

Red watched her entering her car and disappearing, probably headed to her flat.

«Was it your absence or your return that upset her?» asked Dembe, quietly puzzled.

He chewed the inside of his cheeks. «She is pregnant.» As Dembe didn’t know about _that_ night, Red didn’t feel the need to specify that the father was Tom. Of course it had to be him, who else?

«Oh.» Yes, _oh._ Even if Red had never uttered the words, Dembe had always known. Maybe even before Red himself – he’d always been a careful observer. «You know how fond of you she is. This doesn’t mean anything…»

«It means everything.» A silent stare, Red’s mouth working, trying to find words to describe how much things would change, now. How deep this… Well.

Dembe opened the car door. «I caught a glimpse of a scotch bottle, when we exited your suit.»

 

 


	4. Red II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am so, so, so sorry I waited so long to write the new chapter, but those last few months have been pretty busy :) I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!

**Red II.**

  


Elizabeth had been sick for three week. Well, _sick_. Red grimaced thinking about her absolute refusal to answer his phone calls. Even if it was true she had the flu – which, by the way, was not true, as Baz had confirmed a week prior to that evening – she could have at least pick up her phone.

Truth was, he knew she wasn’t sick at all. He’d been disgustingly rude to her when she had announced her pregnancy. He hadn’t meant to, he just… Red sighed, trying to push that little green monster as deep inside as he could. He’d already upset her enough once, there really was no need for him to pour his jealousy at her again. And, seriously, what else could he have expected? He was an old, tainted man. She was soft, and hard, and then soft again… and she had that light… that joy of life that would soon enough return and make her glow. And as much as he despised Tom – that filthy, unworthy rat – part of him understood why she’d chose to have _that man_ in her bed again, even if just for once. Youth was not always rational, not always wise… and he couldn’t blame Elizabeth for still being physically attracted to him, could he?

He deeply inhaled once again before knocking the door. Silence. He softly knocked again.

«Lizzy, open the door. I _know_ you’re in there.»

«I’m busy… Go away.» His eyes shuttered closed at the sound of her voice. Still, he silently laughed at her lazy lie.

«You are a terrible liar, sweetheart.»

Red heard some steps, then the door opened. «What do you want?»

«I didn’t mean to upset you.» He didn’t. He really didn’t. He’d have burned the world to see her happy and safe. Even if it meant, he had to distantly watch as she was having someone else’s child.

«You didn’t upset me.» She bitterly laughed. «I was just sick.» He raised an eyebrow – Baz had heard her cry in multiple occasions. Her cheeks flushed a little. «What do you want?» she repeated in a tired tone.

«I have another name.» He said blankly, repeating the excuse he’d been thinking about since leaving his hotel room: he’d sensed she wouldn’t have let him in without a good reason. And he had been right: Elizabeth moved away from the door, opening his way to her apartment.

«Ok, then. Go on.»  


* * *

  


«Is it true?»

_He had been bringing in one name after another: usually, he’d have taken some time off between cases, but now it seemed that the Blacklist was the only thing keeping Elizabeth in his life, and he’d have added names to make it last longer, if necessary. And still, although they worked together, he could sense her constantly moving away from him – as if the distance she created after her name was cleared wasn’t already too much for him to bear._

_He had watched as her clothes began to stretch over her growing belly. As Samar planned a baby shower that probably included also a dancing elephant and an actual shower of candies, considering how much effort she was putting into it. As the Post Office accompanied Elizabeth’s pregnancy as if they were all together in it, a somehow dysfunctional but caring big family, so to say._

_He had watched, keeping himself somehow out of the way – which was easy, actually, since he rarely went to the Post Office any more, dropping by only from time to time to check on the cases or to hand in a new name._

_Then, one day, he had casually overheard Samar scolding Ressler for something he had said to Elizabeth, some comments he had made in the past few weeks. Elizabeth wasn’t around, and Red was only there to discuss some details with Harold Cooper, but still… he had pretended to observe some charts on the whiteboard, keeping a safe distance from the two agents while still being able to catch some of the discussion. He had frowned, then a quick flash of surprise as he had heard one specific word. «I apologize, I was discussing something important with…» Cooper had quietly exited his office. «Reddington?» He had called him, noticing the_ _Concierge of Crime_ _was not reacting to his words. «I was under the impression you wanted to talk about…»_

_«Yes, yes, you are right. Unfortunately, I think it’ll have to wait a little bit longer. I have an important matter to take care of, and it really cannot wait.» He’d confusedly motioned to Dembe, who had approached Cooper and gave him a file. «I’ll let keep the file with some of the information… but we’ll have to postpone our chat.» He had rushed out of the Post Office._

And now here he was, looking at Elizabeth messy hair and tired eyes.

«Is it true?»

«What? That I don’t remember my maths? Well, it’s been some time…» she replied, confused.

«I am talking about the child.»

Her eyes opened in surprise.

«Are you giving it away?» He noticed how his words had the effect to relax her, almost as if she was expecting something worse – what could have been worse than knowing she was willing to sacrifice the child she had dreamt about?

«Yes, I am.» She crossed her arms. Ah, that was it. The rage. The rage he simply knew was there – against Tom, who was blatantly not fit to be a father, against him for having entered her existence, against the entire world, that had given her what she had wanted when her life had just shattered.

«Why?» Yes, he knew she was angry with… well, everything. But he couldn’t understand why she would opt for adoption when he _knew_ she wanted children. «Is it because of what I said?» Yes, maybe he’d been slightly rude, but his were just words and he couldn’t really believe that they’d influence her into doing something so drastic.

«What, are you talking about the time when you told me how my child would only be a burden?»

«A burden?» Red blinked. The rage, he was prepared to tackle. But this… _A burden?_ He didn’t exactly recall what he’d said to her, but if _this_ was how she had interpreted his words… then he understood the reasons she had to keep him away. «I never… you misunderstood me, Lizzy. Is this the reason why you’ve been so distant, in these months?» _He_ had caused the distance. And, somehow, he had caused her pain. Maybe his words weren’t as meaningless to her as he thought they were. «I didn’t mean to say that. I was only making sure you weren’t delusional about bringing a child to this world.» Red dared to close the space between them, resting his hand on Elizabeth’s – oh, how long had it been since he’d last touched her?

He needed to explain _why_ he had said those awful things, to explain that they had only been the result of his personal pain and stupid jealousy (yes, maybe just skip the jealousy part). «I might have been… slightly embittered, because of…» And here it was again, the damn insecurity that was so unknown to him before he’d become acquainted with her taste. «But still, I apologize if you thought I was somehow suggesting that your child would be a burden.» He truly hadn’t meant to hurt her, _she had to know it._ «It wasn’t at all what I was trying to suggest. I…» he worked his mouth, looking for words. «I am convinced that it is a difficult task, that of bringing a child into this corrupted, dark world. Suddenly, you find yourself constantly worrying, especially when you _know_ what lies in the shadows. But a child… oh, it also brings such a light into this life, reminding you the good things you had forgotten even existed. Watching the world through a child’s eyes… it’s a continuous discovery.» Old, faded images popped up in his mind. A small girl, playing in the garden, looking for bugs and excitingly screaming every time she found one.

«Still, it’s better this way.» Red heard the light tremor in her voice and felt his inner monsters roar. She was in pain, tired, and now on the verge of tears – and he was a plain idiot for not having noticed it before. Anything to make it right.

«If it’s Tom… or raising this child on your own…» _Please, let it be on your own… Don’t take him back just because you are scared. He doesn’t deserve you._ «… that you’re worried about…»

«It’s just....» She was struggling for words. «Please, go away.» She tried to cover the tears that were slowly pouring out of her eyes.

«Lizzy…» he leaned over again, stroking her knee with his thumb. «I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel this way.» He had been selfish, accepting the growing distance under the excuse that it was what she wanted. In truth, it had allowed him to keep under control his own desire, to better manage and hide his turmoil. «I imagine I could somehow comprehend how you’re _bearing_ the idea of giving up your child for adoption… But one must be blind not to see how painful it is, for you, to carry it out. And I am truly sorry if my inappropriate comment has pushed you towards it. You…» he took her chin between his fingers, forcing her to look at him through the tears. «… _don’t have to do it._ I am sure you will be a wonderful mother. And you don’t have to be alone: I’ll always be there for you and your child.»

«It’s not…» she sobbed, and he tilted his neck, waiting for her to tell him what was wrong, how he could help… «It’s not Tom’s…»

«I beg your pardon?» He stiffened. It had been nothing more than a whisper, but he was sure his heart had skipped some beats. But, sure, he must have heard it wrong.

«It’s not Tom’s.» she repeated, this time with a steadier voice.

«I am not sure I’m understanding what’s going on, here…» _It’s not Tom’s. If it’s not his, then… no, it can’t be. She would have told me before if… unless she didn’t want it to be mine._ Ah, that feeling of rejection once again, stinging into his side. He let go of her chin and looked at her in confusion. No. _She wouldn’t have kept this from me… It can’t be._ Elizabeth’s child – _his child_ … Both excitement and anger mixed in his head. A child. What had he done? He was a terrible man, yet… His heart clenched painfully: after all those years, he’d be father again – and she had kept it a secret. «You can’t be serious. It’s…» he finally let himself look at her bump, wishing to feel _it_ under his fingers. «How could you _not tell me_?»

«You assumed it was Tom’s, and I thought it’d be _easier_ if everyone else assumed it as well.»

« _Lies._ » Always lies. He had always tried to be as sincere as he could, and all she kept giving him were lies. Which could be understandable, excusable even, in many other circumstances. But this…

«For fuck’s sake, Red, what did you expect me to do? »

 _Maybe not letting me think that it was your ex-husband’s child, almost maddening me._ Red inhaled deeply, trying to calm down. «Telling the truth, for instance, would have been an appropriate alternative.»

It took a few moments for Red to register her answer. «You had rejected me.»

Rejected her? _He_? He’d have kidnapped her and kept her in one of his villa in Cuba, or in Mexico, in Alaska had she preferred the colder temperature. But the way she had looked at him after _that_ night, how she had avoided to even hint at what had happened, had been a clear sign that she had regretted it – probably as soon as she had woken up. While he was still tasting her in his mouth, recalling the feeling of her wrapped around him, wet and warm, moaning his name… she probably was already trying to erase those same images from her mind. And he had respected her wish to pretend it had never happened – it had been just a moment of weakness, she had needed some comfort, and he simply couldn’t have said no. Not to her.

But maybe he had got it wrong, because now there they were, after months _and a pregnancy_ … she was accusing _him_ of having rejected _her_. He couldn’t believe his ears.

«I… what?»

 


	5. White lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first of all, thank you for the kind comments on the last chapter :) And thank you all for the patience! As always, critiques and comments are more than welcome :)

**White lies**

 

«I… what?» His eyes opened wide.

«You heard me. You rejected me, and then when I decided to tell you… you were saying how a child would complicate things, how irresponsible I am. I simply couldn’t do it. So, I didn’t. I let you believe what you wanted. I didn’t… I _don’t_ need you, Red, nor do I need your pity and advices. I am perfectly able to deal with this on my own.» Ok, maybe _perfectly_ wasn’t that accurate, but she was dealing with it. And she thought she was doing pretty fine, until tonight.

«I didn’t reject you.» To think he’d ever reject her was pure madness. She was the brightest star of the dark, long night he’d been living it for decades – well, the _only_ bright light, to be honest. On the other hand, he was a tainted man, a criminal nonetheless. Someone who sure as hell didn’t deserve those blue eyes and the delightful laughter she used to have when he’d first officially met her.

«Oh, but you did.» Her lips were trembling and he felt even more of a monster to make her hurt at a time like that, even if unintentionally. «I know what happened was just a…» Elizabeth sniffed, her eyes searching for a _damn Kleenex, where are those things when you need them?_ «... the heat of the moment, being on the run, tired, a merely physical response… I don’t know, but I remember you were reluctant, at first. I mean, you didn’t seem to mind when we… well…» Trembling fingers tried to dry the tears, and Red had to resist the urge to close the distance between them and just take her in his arms. «But it did take a bit of convincing on my part, so I figured out it wasn’t something you’d ever thought about. And then you simply… ignored it. As if nothing ever happened.»  She finally found a tissue and took some seconds to blow her nose. «I’m not stupid, I had one night stands before.» She lightly shrugged her shoulders, as if it was nothing of importance. «I just thought…» She bit her bottom lip, thoughtful. «Well, maybe _I am_ stupid, after all.»

The unsaid words just made her confession feel heavier in Red’s mind: from his point of view, what had happened was the absolute opposite, but now he started to realize that maybe they were both fools.

«Lizzy, sweetheart…»

«Don’t. Don’t _sweetheart_ me. Maybe I should’ve been honest with you, but I simply _couldn’t_. It was easier to tell you that little white lie than to force you into a situation you didn’t ask for.» She diverted her eyes.

He sighed and stood up, just to sit down close to her on the couch. «No, you’re not running from this. Look at me.» He chased her gaze with his. «Sure you must know how I…» Red worked his mouth as if trying to express the inexpressible. «I told you once before, when I look at you I see my way home.» he stated quietly. «You saved me a long time ago, in ways you can’t even imagine. And you kept saving me after we met again, reminding me of how precious life can be, reminding me – despite yourself – of the man behind the monster.» He let one hand hovering over her damp face, and Elizabeth lazily thought he seemed afraid his mere touch could break her.

«I don’t see what this has to do with…» A soft _pssst_ silenced her.

« _You_ wake the man, but the monster… it’s always there. The things I’ve done in my life…» His lips twitched. «You may think you’ve seen me doing horrible things, but the truth is, that was only the top. Of course, I have my morals and I’m not in the habit of involving innocents, but still… I’m a violent man, Lizzy. _A tainted man._ »

She blinked in confusion.

«And you are not. » Against his own will the hand landed on her cheek, lightly stroking it. «You are the light to my darkness: pure, innocent, so immensely brave. I wouldn’t deserve your… _affection_ … in a hundred years. Yet, you came to me and I was lost. I should have controlled myself, I should never have taken advantage of a moment when you were blatantly exhausted, yearning for any form of affection you could get, anything to make you feel better. Even me. But how could someone refuse what they had so intensely craved?»

Something clicked inside her head and she finally saw it, the unexpected insecurity that had been hunting him from months.

«I wasn’t… it wasn’t just that. You didn’t take advantage of me, _I started it. I wanted it. I wanted you._ » Elizabeth had slid closer to him, her mind slowly getting on the same page as Red’s. She tentatively rested her fingers on his arm. «You are always gloating, showing the world how charming you are, flirting and seducing all women you lay eyes upon… Oh no, don’t you dare denying it.» She said when he made a face. «The great Raymond Reddington… I was right, wasn’t I? When I told you, you were so damaged you couldn’t even accept somebody’s help… You really think you don’t deserve me, you don’t deserve what I could feel for you… even after I…» She caressed her bump.

«The next morning, after the heat of the moment, I realized what I had done, fearing you’d soon regret it. And when you came down I knew I was right. You couldn’t even look at me and I did the only thing I could to not make you more uncomfortable: I went with it. Being on the run actually made it easier: it’s incredible how being hunted down may divert your focus.» His mouth attempted a sad smile. «How could you _feel_ anything for me, but disgust? You deserve so much more, Lizzy, so much more than an old monster.»

«Stop calling yourself that.» Red felt her digit dig into his vest. «As much as I often find your dramatic approach to life slightly humorous, this is not one of your anecdotes. It’s my life. _Our life_. And I’m not a pure, fragile being that has no idea how harsh the world can be, especially for people like us. _And you’re not a monster_. I’m not saying I condone most of the things you did, nor am I denying there was a time I thought you were one – hell, there has been a time I tried to convince myself that you were nothing more than that. But _I know you, now._ And you’re not a monster. I won’t rot if you touch me. I don’t feel tainted because of what I feel. Ok, maybe I’m slightly worried I’m developing some kind of pattern and wondering why exactly I couldn’t just fall for… I don’t know… Normal people? With less issues? Not in the habit of ending up in the FBI Most Wanted list?»

«Normality is overrated.» He chuckled, suddenly feeling a faint warmth peer out inside of him

«Yes, I’m sure it is.» Elizabeth rolled her eyes. «What happened – _what is happening here, right now_ – is improbable. But still, it’s happening. And maybe I was wrong, maybe we’re both stupid, because we didn’t see what was going on and we let our insecurities mess everything up. Even if you didn’t say the exact words, I see now that I wasn’t the only one who felt rejected.»

«Always the psychologist.» murmured Red.

«Always the asshole, trying to ruin my epiphany instead of recognizing its veracity.» She retorted.

«I am a criminal. You are an FBI agent.» he said matter-of-factly.

«Former FBI agent, now I’m just a consultant. And I think I’m well past a world vision that only contemplates black and white.» She took the hand that was still resting on her face and brought it on her full belly. «If you were right, how come I decided to go on with the pregnancy? I want children, you know I want them desperately, but had I thought you were a monster, had I regretted what happened, I would have gotten an abortion without thinking twice. You really think I would have kept my baby, if I’d thought it was Tom’s? I wouldn’t let my wishes blind me into such selfishness.» She felt his finger slowly moving on her with devotion. «And don’t think I didn’t consider that option…» Elizabeth bit her lips. «But I couldn’t. Because as much as I knew it was crazy, I couldn’t prevent myself from loving the little tadpole that was growing inside of me and that I’m sure will have her father’s wit. I was ready to go through hell and give her up from adoption to ensure she had the best of lives.»

«She?» Red felt a lump in his throat. The things she had said had hit him like a punch: she didn’t think he was a monster, she had _wanted_ his child and – he realized incredulously – somewhere behind her speech there was something that tasted like hope and future and dreams he didn’t think could belong to him anymore. And she said _she_.

Elizabeth nodded.

«I’m having a daughter.» His voice almost cracked.

«Well, _we’_ re having a daughter. But yes.» It was her turn, now, to search for his gaze. When she found it, she smiled – oh, how incredibly good it felt to finally let go of the fear and the pain, and to realize how uselessly stupid and stubborn they had been. «And, correct me if I’m wrong, but in this last hour I think we finally dissipated all misunderstandings, leaving what seem to be a mutual… how to say it… interest? And maybe, but I’m still just speculating, we also have shared… wishes?»

Without moving his hand away from her bump, Red shook his head. «As much as I wish I could…» _She._ «As much as I want to…» _A daughter._ «As happy as you and your psychological dissection of the mess we made just made me…» _Elizabeth and their daughter. A huge house with trees and a swing and a dog. Maybe two._ «I couldn’t put you both in danger. Not again.»

«You managed to keep me safe all these years…» she reminded him, squeezing the hand that was still resting on her stomach.

«I think we can all agree that I blatantly failed at protecting you.» He snorted.

«I’m still alive and relatively well, am I not?»

The way she was looking at him - expecting, hopeful… It made his heart clench with a mix of fear and utter, helpless love. She didn’t need to utter the words for him to know what she was asking for.

«I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. Hell, I’m not even saying I’m sure this is a good idea. But… look at us. I think it’s safe to state that we’ve both been miserable, the last few months… And probably I would have laughed, had someone told me we’d end up like that when we first met at the Post Office… But right now the mere idea of you walking out of my apartment and us going back to that… Because I may not _need_ you, but I do _want_ you.» Her gaze lowered shyly. «Why should we be miserable when we could at least…»

«We could what, Lizzy?» Red’s finger went to her chin, and their eyes locked again. «You know who I am. _What_ I am.»

«You mean, a criminal? May I remind you that I shoot Connolly and that I’ve been a fugitive for various months?»

«It’s not the same thing. Yours was a mistake… something that will soon be just a faded memory. Mine it's an entire life of violence, a borderless kingdom. It’s something that runs through my veins and it’s intertwined in every aspect of my existence. It’s not a safe world.»

«Life can change. And although I understand that yours cannot be completely left behind, I have the impression that you’d do everything in your power to ensure that it’d be safe for _her_ , if you’d only wanted to… Are you saying _you don’t want to_?»

«That’s not true, and you know it.» Red hated the idea of Elizabeth thinking he didn’t want her enough – _love her_ enough – to make everything that was in his power to ensure their child’s safety. He wished to take her into his arms and kiss her better. But truth was, he was scared. Something terrible had happened to his family before, in another life. Yes, he was rich and powerful, now, but would this be enough to avoid history repeating itself?

«Do I? Because the only thing I know is that I just laid my heart before you, told you I’ve been miserable without you and that I could even compromise with you still wanting to be the _Concierge of crime_ or whatever, and you just keep pushing me away.» Her hand let go of his, but he was quick to catch her wrist and bringing it to his mouth. He gave it a small, innocent kiss, but she felt something flickering in her stomach.

«I am afraid, Lizzy.» Another kiss ghosted over her palm. «Afraid that, were I to give in to my desire, I’d endanger you both.»

«You need to stop this, Red.»

He frowned.

«Stop making decisions for me. This is not _your_ choice. This should be _our_ choice. If you don’t want to make it, if even the idea of trying is too difficult for you to accept, then be it. But don’t you dare put it on me.»

«You don’t know what you’re willing to choose. I could never simply retire or lead a normal life. It’s never been an option.»

«I’m not asking you to retire. I just told you. Well, ok, maybe I’m asking you to get things into perspective, maybe downsize your business, let go of whatever you can because I’m still not exactly thrilled at the idea of you trafficking arms in Sudan or selling US information to China. But _I_ am ready to compromise, are you?».

«You and our daughter will be in constant danger despite all the protection I could provide.»

Elizabeth smiled knowingly: she could feel him crumble under her stubbornness and arguments.

«You’ll end up hating me for having to choose between keeping it a secret or leaving your work and stepping into what you perceive is the wrong side.»

Suddenly, they were even closer, her breath tickling the soft skin of his neck. He sighed and leaned towards her.

«It will be difficult and just like the high hurdles.»

«Mhmh.» Her hands ran through his chest and to the base of his head, putting just the right amount of pressure so that he turned to face her.

«And I’m not sure what we’re making is the wisest of choices.» Still, he couldn’t help the sudden serenity that had enveloped him as she got closer, the smile that had crept on his lips, reflecting hers. He had dreamt of that moment, had hoped for it, and while he was sincerely scared because of the consequences of it, he simply couldn’t avoid the feelings that were exploding in his chest like millions of tiny fireworks.

They couldn’t exactly tell who had closed the distance between them, crushing their lips together, but in a few seconds all their long discussion, the pain and the worries and everything that was in their mind disappeared in a thirsty kiss. When they emerged to breathe, they were both wearing perfectly content expressions, with the idiotic smile typical of people who finally declared their love.

Red lightly kissed her forehead while she murmured: «I’ve missed you.»

«I’ve missed you too, sweetheart.»

They rested like that for a while, until Elizabeth broke the silence with a yawn. «Uh, I’m sorry.»

«Don’t be. It’s been a long day.» He kissed her again and stood up. «I’ll let you rest, now. I think we can continue discussing our… _experiment…_ » She briefly rolled her eyes. «.. tomorrow.»

Elizabeth took his hand. «Stay the night?»

The air was still so full of the feelings that had been flowing between them that evening, that Red didn’t recall a time he felt so emotional. He cleared his throat.

«I would love to.»

 

* * *

 

It was still dark when Red awoke, revelling in the realization that their limbs were entangled. He snuggled Elizabeth a little bit tighter, savouring her scent, his fingers lightly caressing her bump. She said something in her sleep – something that sounded like «I don’t wanna eat my salad… mmmh… pizza, pizza is good...» and that made him giggle – then she rolled over and threw her arms around him, making some approving noise.

He smiled and got back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: this was supposed to be the last chapter, but since I think some smut is missing, I'm thinking about writing one more.. you know, to worthily celebrate the reunion *winks*


	6. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kind comments on the last chapter! And thanks to all those who left kudos or simply read (and I hope enjoyed) this fic. I hope I'll be able to write down some more fics for this series soon :)

**Epilogue**

 

 

The next time he awoke, he wondered confusedly about the time: from the window came a soft light, so it had to be early in the morning. While he cleared his mind, he sipped some water from the bottled he had (thankfully) put on the nightstand. To be truly honest, he wasn’t used to sleep so peacefully. As he smiled, recognizing the reason why he had slept so well and long, one hand came to stroke Elizabeth’s hair, careful not to wake her as well. He almost couldn’t believe how things had gone the previous night – and somewhere, deep inside, he reprimanded himself for giving in to his desires. Had he been a better man, he’d have fled her apartment and give her the chance of a normal life. Or, better still, he’d never allowed himself to fall in love with her.

He sighed. Had he been a better man…

Elizabeth shifted and a soft rumble escaped her lips. «Red?» Her voice, still sleepy, betrayed her concern – that she had only dreamt of them kissing and sleeping nestled in each other arms? That he was gone? The mere thought of Elizabeth _fearing_ his disappearance made something inside him twist.

«I’m right here, sweetheart.» He brushed away the hair from her face and let her turn to face him, quickly surrounding her again in a tight embrace. She looked even more beautiful right now, her hair mussed from sleep and her eyes suddenly awake and shy. «Although I think it’s still early, don’t you want to sleep some more?»

Elizabeth swallowed: his gaze was so utterly loving and caring. When he looked at her like that – oh, she had missed that look in all those long months – she almost couldn’t believe he was such a feared criminal. «No, I… I’m fine, thanks.» She bit her lip. Why was she suddenly feeling so shy? «Did you sleep well?»

«Why, yes, I have.» He gave her one of his penetrating looks. «Is something wrong? I sense you are… wavering?» He frowned worryingly.

Her eyes widened. «What? No! Nothing’s wrong, I just… I’m not so sure I’m really awake, I guess? I have dreamt of something like this, before, so…» She blushed.

He felt his heart clench and dragged her closer, dissipating her doubts with the solidity of his body and the warmth of his breath on her head. «So you dreamt about me?» he grinned, and received a slap on his arm in response. «What? I think it’s cute!» He took her hand before she could slap him again and placed a kiss on its palm. «And also kind of flattering, if I may…» He kissed her fingers, slowly, lovingly, and heard her sigh. «… I’m not going anywhere.» he added, feeling the need to reassure her.

«Agnes…» she whispered to the thin air, and he stopped his attentions to her fingers to look her in confusion – although she couldn’t see his expression, her cheek on his chest, he was sure she could feel it, for she smiled. «It was Sam’s mother’s name.» she explained, and Red didn’t need further clue to understand what she was telling him.

«It’s a wonderful name, Lizzy.» And there it was again, the lump on his throat. He hoped Elizabeth hadn’t noticed it, but she raised her face to look at him and smiled. Red bent and kissed her nose, her cheek, her nose again.

She was basking in all his attentions, but had to stop him. «I really need to pee.» she apologized while running to the toilet. There, she also brushed her teeth. _You never know…_

She came back moments later, sliding under the duvet and curling against him once again.

«So, where were we?» He joked, a sly smile when the faint scent of peppermint reached his nostrils.

«You were telling me I have amazing taste in baby names.» Elizabeth chuckled.

«Were I?» He kissed her forehead, then her temple.

«Mhmh.»

He brushed his lips over hers, and her mouth slightly opened in invitation. And who was he to refuse it?

At first, the kiss was slow and tender – _I could get used to waking up to this._ It was almost surreal, being there, being kissed _by him_ after the dreadful months spent thinking he didn’t love her – not like that, anyway.

On the other hand, having Elizabeth curled up against him, her mouth eager to be kissed and a delightful flush creeping on her face was simply divine. And to think this could have been their morning for all those months… He swallowed the idea of letting her go and the guilt that came with _staying_ – how could he give up all of this? How could he even think he’d survive – how _did_ he survive, without her in his arms? He slightly tightened his grasp on her, and she seemed to like that, as a sigh escaped her lips and fell on his. It felt like possessiveness, but not in a negative way: it was more a need to get as close as he could, to _feel_ her.

He deepened the kiss, eliciting some moans that went straight to his groin. It had been so long since he’d tasted her sweet, sweet mouth and now he was like a junkie relapsing into the most delicious of addictions. He wanted – no, he _needed_ – more.

Elizabeth slid one hand on his chest while their tongues caressed each other in a dance full of promises. She was thirsty for him, her skin almost feverish with want. Her fingers shyly brushed the soft fabric of his undershirt.

However, when his hands moved on her body, casually stroking her full breasts and her hips, trying to slide under her pyjama, she stiffened.

Red frowned. Maybe it was too early? Maybe she needed more time to process what had happened and trust him again? But… no, he could _feel_ she wanted him just as much as he wanted her – as astonishing as that was!

«Lizzy?» he questioned her in hoarse voice.

«I…» She distanced herself a little, looking away. Her discomfort was clear. «I think maybe it’s better to wait…?»

«To wait for what, sweetheart?» He didn’t sound disappointed, just curious. «Do you need more time?» He took her chin and made her look at him again, to see he would be ok with everything she wished – she only had to tell him, so that he could know what was going on in her head.

«It’s not that…» She felt stupid. She wanted him, she wanted his fingers and lips on her skin, she wanted the bliss, the look on his face when he reached the orgasm. But no one had seen her completely naked since she got pregnant – no one. She knew, rationally, that she shouldn’t feel ashamed, but it was easier said than done. «It’s just that… you know, I’m pregnant…»

«Mh, yes, I think we have established that. You don’t feel at ease in making love right now? I don’t think there’s any contraindication, but we can wait if you prefer.» He smiled at her, the hand that only a few moments before was reaching for the hem of her top lovingly caressing her bump.

Elizabeth bit her bottom lip – he’d said _making love_ , which was just semantic, but still felt somehow good. «I don’t… I know women can _make love_ while pregnant.» She lowered her gaze. «But I don’t want you to see me naked… I know it’s silly, but I’m huge, my entire body is swollen and I’m ashamed.»

As she confessed what the problem really was, Red felt a mix of surprise and anger. _Ashamed?_ Once again, he made her look at him. «You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.» he said in a grave tone. «And, look at the bright side… right now I have even more of you to make love to.» He winked and somehow made her chuckle despite her insecurities. «Not to mention, this is only fair. Twenty years ago you would have had at least 10 kilos less to love, but as I love my wine and food…» He grinned and kissed her nose.

«You are in a perfectly good shape, for a man your age.» she reassured him while she laid one hand on his hips.

«Ouch, that hurt.» Red resumed his previous mission and reached once again for the hem of her pajama, slowly pulling it up. «But, as I am a gentleman…» His fingers brushed over her skin while he got rid of the top, gently pushing it over her head. «I’ll let you get away with it.» His voice dropped an octave, now, and Elizabeth felt her own arousal coming back. He licked his lips at the vision of her naked upper body. «You are so beautiful…» He kissed her belly-button. «Delightful.» Another kiss, this time on the side of her bump. «Exquisite…» He almost growled, before resuming his trail of kisses, going down her navel. Without looking up, he slowly pushed down her boy shorts and kissed the skin that they revealed.

«Oh…» Her eyes fluttered closed when he placed a wet, open-mouth kiss on the inside of her thigh.

«Mmmh.» he hummed in satisfaction when she moaned as he kissed her labia. «You smell so delicious… I think I’ll have a taste of you, now…» Slowly, torturing her, he ran his tongue over the sensitive skin of folds. He played with her a few more moments, then he plunged his tongue inside of her, licked in earnest, sucked at her clit, smiling then and now at the noises he was eliciting. She bucked when he let out a soft rumble that reverberated through her. Red smiled and sucked on her clit, his mouth caressing it in circle, alternating slow strokes to quick ones. He pushed one finger inside of her and had to appeal to all of his self-control when he felt how hot and wet she was. Another finger went in, and he basked on her squeals and moans when he curled and moved and pumped.

Elizabeth was overwhelmed by the sensations – it had been so long, and she could already feel the orgasm building up. «Red… Oh god…» She bit down on her fist – his ego was big enough even without her letting know to all her neighbours about his skills...

«Yes, sweetheart?» He stopped his ministrations and rested his chin on her thigh, gifting her with a gaze of pure adoration.

«Come here.» she purred, stretching one arm towards him.

He smiled. It was a predatory smile, yet it didn’t wash away the devotion from his eyes. He climbed back to his previous position and languidly kissed her. Tasting herself on his lips almost made her lose control. The fact that he slipped again his fingers inside of her didn’t really help her out.

«Oh god…» she gasped between kisses.

«Tell me what you want, Lizzy.» His fingers continued to move while he kissed her jaw, her neck. «Just tell me…» he rumbled in her mouth once again.

«I need you… I need to… Oh…»

He smiled – _he_ was making her frantic, wanton, just as he had imagined for what now seemed to be an eternity. «Yes, what do you need, sweetheart?»

She groaned between moans and he knew why – she hated his self-control, though crumbling, and in the meantime it aroused her even more. «… feel you, you bastard…»

«Anything for you, my love.» His fingers slowly retreated and she shivered, knowing that the feeling of loss would soon be appeased by something even better. He quickly got rid of his briefs, leaving the shirt on. The other time they had been somehow in a hurry and she apparently hadn’t noticed his scars, but now she surely would. And that was not the time to discuss them.

«I would love to look at you when I bring you over the cliff,» He brushed his thumb over her swollen lips, «but I think it might be better if you turn? I wouldn’t want to hurt you.»

How the hell was he so damn arousing and sexy and tender and considerate at the same moment, while all she could do right now was try not to cry out his name. She nodded and turned around, letting him spoon her – she couldn’t help to grind her ass against him. «Mmmmh…» It was hard and soft as velvet.

Red brought one hand between them to align himself. Slowly, he pushed until he was buried deep inside of her and she was pulsing around him. «You are so wet…» He kissed her shoulder and tentatively moved. «… so hot…» She responded to his quite thrusts, inviting him to hasten his rhythm. «… so tight…» He closed his eyes, focusing on the feelings that her moist walls were giving him. She was already close, but if he wasn’t careful, he’d have come before she could.

He slipped one hand between her legs, slowly circling her clit. «I will make you feel so good, Lizzy… So good…» He nipped at her neck, then placed soothing kisses on the flushed skin. «I will make you come so hard, you’ll forget all those lonely months… and then I’ll make you come again, every single day of your life, my love.»

Elizabeth moans grew louder. Again, how could he possibly be able to talk dirty while being also tender? She’d have to investigate that further… later.

«Oh god… I’m almost there…»

Red smiled on her skin and thrust into her, careful not to be too rough – they’d have had time for that too, in the years to come.

She managed to turn her head enough and he bent over, crushing his lips to hers, swallowing the cries and the _Red_ s as her orgasm hit her. Her muscles convulsed over him, tightening her channel. He came in a few more thrusts, her name on his lips as well. When they had recovered, slid out of her, turned her around and kissed her lovingly.

«My beautiful, marvelous Lizzy.» He was still panting, but to be honest, it had been worth it. They snuggled, whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears. When the sun finally entered the windows more vigorously, Elizabeth murmured something about the time and going to work, and moaned in disappointment when, with almost too-perfect timing, her alarm clock went off.

«Can’t you call in sick?» he laughed, his fingers busy playing with her hair.

«I wish… but as in less than two months the little thing is vacating her current residence, now I have to finish up all my reports, or I’ll have to bring a ton of paper when I’m popping her out.» She giggled, clearly pleased with her own jokes. He laughed as well – a hoarse laughter that almost made her sense of duty vacillate.

«Well then, I guess I’ll just have to go with it… But maybe, since it’s Friday, tonight I can kidnap you for the weekend? There’s a lovely cabin, not far from Washington, with a wonderful view of the mountains… I can have it filled with all kinds of cakes and chocolate and whatever you want, sweetheart.» He thought a bit before adding, «And vegetables and fruit as well, as I’ll be checking personally that you eat well.»

«Mhmh I would like that.» she purred. Having Raymond Reddington spoiling her was somehow both terrifying and sublime.

«Exquisite!» As he flashed her his brightest smile, he quickly jumped off the bed, slid his arms under her and lifted her, pressing her tight against his chest. «Now, I wouldn’t want you to be late for work… how about I’ll help you shower yourself?»

«That’s a very good idea, and it doesn’t sound as something that could actually make me be late _at all_.»

They both giggled as he carried her over the threshold of her bathroom.

 

 

* * *

FYI, I also have a facebook page: [Cabiria Minerva](https://www.facebook.com/CabiriaMinerva/) :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Critiques and comments are more than welcome :)


End file.
